Sunday, March 4, 2012

Feeling Trapped

Life is really confusing; you can go through it one way and realize you fucked up. Or you feel like you did.  See I was confused in school; not only was I not really developing well socially (though not a complete loner), I also had skewed priorities when I did start to socialize; those priorities blinded from becoming an individual, myself essentially. I was so focused on one thing and I just allowed the rest of my life to be on auto-pilot; instead of learning of my profound interest in politics, current events, and my desire to teach, I stuck with film classes which, admittedly, I’m still glad I took but, on the job market, they are completely useless as is my experience in film work. I’m not saying the programs have no merit, they absolutely can and do but you don’t know if you’re going to be allowed the freedom to do what you wish. Then where will you be?

Right here; which is nowhere.

I've squandered the education period of my life and now find myself, apparently, 'uncertified' (yet not actually unable) for anything I might want to do. Currently, I am trying to seek employment in various entry-level capacities but finding work without networking is extremely difficult; in fact, it seems like you need connections just to get a sub-standard job these days.

Sometimes I think about going back to school; overlooking the obvious problems such as my father not wishing to pay for school that isn’t business, law, or medical, it’s extremely unclear on how one can proceed to the next step. If I want to seek schooling and assistance for a job in education, as a current non-student, who can I talk to and get the answers I need without a sales pitch? Where do you go after you’ve completed your education to seek out that employment? It seems like there are only questions and few concrete answers.

There's no help, there's no assistance. Do I need to go back to school for something? Am I find with my current education and experience? How do you know if a place even read your resume and didn't just toss it in the trash for a justified reason or maybe they just don't like you're name. There are so many factors and at least one other person involved in your potential hiring that you have no idea where the breakdown is when you never hear back from these employers.

What’s sad is this isn’t even my first choice; I’d love to be a teacher but I still dream of becoming a filmmaker but you get older and time ticks away, bills pile up, and you realize that you need to get moving on something. So you think up alternates, other things you’d enjoy doing, but now you have to return to school and gain a degree for that and any thing else that might be required for employment in that field. You’ve worked hard for your first choice only to fail at gaining an income from it; now you’ve got to start all over for your second and third choice with no guarantee of success at any stage of the game.

How is this the way employment works? How is this working hard and following your dreams? Why does it seem like it’s those with seemingly unlimited amounts of money have the freedom to pursue their passions, go to school, and get paid for it?

There's a constant feeling of inferiority and frustration looking at site and after site trying to get a job that's not anywhere near your life's work or even pleasant to do but you realize, you're not qualified for it anyways either in education and/or experience. Everyone has to work, everyone needs to garner an income but there's blocks at every step of the way. Whereas high school was leading students down a more concrete and understandable path, college drops you off in front of an unending and unscalable wall you have to figure out how to get to the other side.

Maybe I just chose wrong when it comes to college but why is that a death sentence for my future? How is it I lack the funding and support to return? I know I am not alone but knowing there are others like me is no comfort to an overdraft bank account or a credit card over the limit. It doesn't give my father reason to speak to me again after quitting a job he got me but I lacked the heart for the work and the people.

Why is it so hard to maintain conviction, maintain your person, and be able to garner employment? It seems like employers aren't willing to gamble on professional free-thinkers, they merely want those who have shown a talent for for falling in line with the ruling authority, be it school or with employment.